Kenyan Talk | 24/7 News Updates From Kenyan Blogs: Njoki Chege

NJOKI CHEGE spits fire and attacks Radio Presenters, they may cry in the toilet.

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 Fiery Columnist, Njoki Chege, has decided to launch a scathing attack at Kenyan radio presenters for lacking professionalism. 
 
Read her article below. 
 
Unlike most of my friends, I am a huge fan of Kenyan radio. I listen to local radio whenever I can, which is mostly on my way to work or school. 
 
Mention a radio station and I will give you a list of my favourite presenters, their shows and what time they are on air. 
 
Which is why I feel that I am an authority in the field of local radio. And who is better placed to give advice to future radio presenters on how to be a radio presenter in Kenya? You guessed it. 
 
So here we go, boys and girls who envision a bright future in the world of local radio. Do you want to be a radio presenter in Kenya? Do you think you have what it takes? Look no further. I got you. Grab a pen and a notebook; I am only going to say this once. 
 
1. Have a fake accent: A fake accent is the capital requirement for a sterling career in radio. Radio is all about your voice, darling. And not just a voice. The voice. You need a smooth, adenoidal voice that will wow and awe your audience. 
 
Those TV bimbos have their curves and bouncy weaves but you have your voice. This industry requires that you have an extra something to make it. Your ‘extra something’ is an accent. You need an accent. 
 
If you don’t have an accent, fake it. It doesn’t matter if you grew up in Kariobangi or Rongai; you’ve got to have an accent to make it in the Kenyan radio scene. 
 
Don’t worry about that British or American accent nonsense. As long as you tweng your ‘r’s’ and ‘l’s’, and learn to talk really fast, you are already halfway through the path to success. 
 
You cannot get a job at a radio station without an accent, trust me, I work in the media and I know these things. Whatever you do, work hard to practice that fake accent. 
 
2. Be an untalented, failing musician: You can Kiss poverty goodbye and have it easy on the FM stations in Kenya if you are a waning musician. I will tell you a secret. 
 
The people who make decisions on radio these days are not exactly the sharpest tools in the box- if you know what I mean. I am told you don’t have to be smart or brilliant to be the guy who makes decisions in a local radio station. I am just quoting sources. 
 
So if you are a backfired musician, the one hit wonder type, I have good news for you. Chances are you are going to have a radio show all to yourself. 
 
This way, you are able to punish your audience by playing your songs during your show and in the process kill two birds with one stone. 
 
You do your job and get free promotion on a local radio station. It doesn’t matter if you are that female radio presenter who cannot sing (not even in your mother tongue). 
 
It won’t even matter if you are that short, male radio presenter who easily sings like a girl and dresses in cleavage revealing t-shirts. 
 
Are you a failing musician? Report to the nearest radio station. You are exactly what they are looking for! 
 
3. Be semi-illiterate: To work in one of the FM stations in Kenya, I am pleased to inform you that you do not need to go to school. 
 
High school drop outs are ruling our airwaves and if you are a college dropout, then I must tell you the truth, you are over qualified to work in a local radio station. If you want to be successful in radio, leave school right now. 
 
You see, there are two types of radio stations in Kenya, those that employ presenters who can speak English with an accent and those who employ presenters that barely speak English. 
 
If you are in the second category, the ones who can barely speak English, I am convinced that one of the FM stations is looking for you. 
 
If you are the semi-illiterate type that cannot make a sensible argument on air, you are needed at one of the FM stations for an evening rush hour or ‘drive’ radio show. 
 
If those who are making decisions on radio are barely schooled, what makes you think that you need a degree to be a radio presenter? 
 
4. Be a comedian: A Classic hallmark of a radio presenter in Kenya is being a comedian. Local radio today is a laughing matter. 
 
Are you a comedian? Are you trying to be a comedian? Do you masquerade as a comedian, regurgitating internet and twitter jokes on evening comedy shows? 
 
Were you a comedian but went broke? Or a comedian with a TV show that needs publicity? Or maybe a comedian who can fake a Luo or Luhya accent very well? 
 
Or perhaps a comedian with a fake Nigerian accent, name and tasteless Nigerian garb? Or a wannabe comedian that wants to be a comedian but doesn’t know how to? 
 
End your search. I am going to give you free career advice. Walk into a radio station and say that you are a comedian who can fake a Luo accent and you will be directed to the human resource office to sign a contract and you will start as soon as you are ready! 
 
 
NJOKI CHEGE

NJOKI CHEGE spits fire and attacks Radio Presenters, they may cry in the toilet.

Fiery Columnist, Njoki Chege, has decided to launch a scathing attack at Kenyan radio presenters for lacking professionalism. Read her ...

Why NJOKI CHEGE thinks SALMA SONKO, ANERLISA MUNGAI and ALVIN have rotten minds.

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Popular Daily Nation Columnist, Njoki Chege, has decided to launch a scathing attack at “Rich Kids of Instagram” who keep on flossing their parent’s wealth on social media. 
 
Here’s her harsh message to kids like Sonko’s daughter, Salma and Kabogo’s son, Alvin, 
 
I am an evangelist of clean living. I have never taken alcohol. I have never done drugs or smoked cigarettes. I avoid junk food as much as I can. I don’t party on weekend nights and I prefer to curl up with a good book or a movie. 
 
On weekends, I go for a run or a long walk with my boyfriend and I try to go to church as often as I can. 
 
But most of all, the greatest boost to my clean living is my ability to stay off social media. I am not on Facebook — those Facebook pages with my name are idle imposters. I am on Twitter, but only because I think Twitter is more intelligent. More importantly, I am not on Instagram. 
 
Now, I thought I had hit the final nail on the Instagram coffin until I learned about ‘The Rich Kids of Instagram’— Kenyan chapter. 
 
You must be wondering what on earth I am talking about. Rich Kids of Instagram — the Kenyan chapter is a group of spoilt, rich brats who show off their parents’ wealth on social media. 
 
These are basically children with rotten minds and morals alike, who have taken it upon themselves to document their opulent lives on social media. It is very sickening. 
 
My friend allowed me a peek into one of these Instagram accounts and I am telling you it is a dizzying cacophony of vanity, conceit and peacocking at its best. 
 
HOLIDAY DESTINATION 
 
The razzmatazz on these Instagram accounts is nauseating. I will tell you about one young woman; the daughter of a celebrated businesswoman. From designer bags, to designer shoes. To holidays abroad. Expensive wine and food, her Instagram account is an embarrassment to all the hard work and persistence exhibited by her mother, who, by the way, I really admire. 
 
Then I am told there is this young man; the son of a certain governor who openly boasts about how daddy will bankroll his holiday to some God-awful holiday destination. 
I am just getting started. 
 
Oh, and there is this daughter of a certain ‘flamboyant’ senator who recently posted pictures of herself holding a gun and iced the cake with #thuglife. What the hell is going on here? 
I don’t care if your mother is a billionaire, your father a scandalous governor or a ‘flamboyant’ God-forsaken senator. 
 
I don’t care if you drive a Bugatti or a high-end Mercedes Benz or if you own a Hermes bag. I know you are surrounded by minions who praise you and thank you for posting those pictures because you ‘inspire’ them. 
 
You are probably surrounded by ‘friends’ who think you are God’s gift to them, that you are their inspiration and they love you. Not me. 
 
I will be the one to tell you the truth. What your broke little boyfriend won’t tell you, or those sycophants who like every Instagram post you upload do not have the courage to tell you. 
 
NO CLASS 
 
First of all, to be in your 20s and still depending on mom and dad means only one thing — you are a loser. They didn’t do a good job raising you and you are a failure. You are a loser and a failure and that is pathetic. 
 
That money you are flaunting is not yours. That car, that pair of shoes, that bag and that holiday you are flaunting on social media, was not paid for by the sweat of your brow. Mommy and daddy started their small business in some warehouse, it grew to a million-dollar company and it is not yours. You may inherit it, but it is not yours. 
 
So stop the ‘inspiration’ and ‘self-expressing’ nonsense, come down your high horse, sit down and let me school you. 
I have said here so many times before, that money will buy you all the stylish things in this world but money can never buy you class. Simple. 
 
There is no class in flaunting what mummy and daddy bought you. In any case, we all know that the rich kids are the dumbest children, the weakest in class and the bottom feeders when it comes to academics. So let’s not lie to each other that you are brilliant or smart. 
Even with your expensive education in international schools, you still cannot think on your feet, fend for yourself and survive on your own. Otherwise why would you need daddy’s money in your late 20s? 
 
So don’t try and show us that you are this hardworking entrepreneur who owns a company. Calling yourself an entrepreneur is a defilement of the very spirit and true meaning of the term entrepreneurship. 
 
BOTTOM FEEDER 
 
An entrepreneur is not an egotist stooge that gets a grant of a few million shillings from mummy and daddy and a credit card to finance his excessive spending. You are not an entrepreneur you are a bottom feeder. 
 
I know a lot of you will say that I am ‘hating’ probably because my folks are not wealthy. You are right. My folks are not wealthy. 
 
In fact, some people perhaps think of them as ‘struggling’. I have lost count of the many times I was sent out of school for school fees in secondary school but I got a job at 19 and paid my college fees. And Daystar doesn’t come cheap. 
 
So that is why I am not going to sit here, as people bastardise inspiration, hard work and persistence. 
 
Those rich kids of Instagram — Kenyan chapter, need to realise that we are not interested in what they have acquired from their parents’ wealth, some of which is acquired in unscrupulous means, I may add. 
 
We are not interested in seeing a photo of a car whose log book does not bear your name or shoes and jewelry not bought with your own money. 
 
The truth is, the really wealthy people do not show off their wealth on social media or anywhere at all. They keep quiet. Success is their noise. So shut up and start working!

Why NJOKI CHEGE thinks SALMA SONKO, ANERLISA MUNGAI and ALVIN have rotten minds.

Popular Daily Nation Columnist, Njoki Chege, has decided to launch a scathing attack at “Rich Kids of Instagram” who keep on flossing thei...

See What NJOKI CHEGE said About Nigerian Men, They May Skin Her Alive After Reading This

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What is it with Kenyan women and Nigerian men? What is it with those short, stocky bearded West African mohines that make Kenyan women move planets for them? 
 
We have heard enough stories about how Kenyan women borrowed loans for their Nigerian boyfriends to pay for ‘containers with goods worth millions’ stuck at the port only for the Nigerian man to disappear. 
 
I know Kenyan women whose careers and lives have come to a standstill after a Nigerian man swept them clean, and I mean clean; car, house, land, money… everything. 
 
So today, ladies, I chose to address this topic, once and for all. After this, I don’t expect any of you to be conned by a so-called ‘romantic’ Nigerian man. I will only say this once. 
 
Stay away from Nigerian men! All Nigerian men are conmen. Repeat after me; “All Nigerian men are conmen”. There are no exceptions here. When you see a Nigerian man, run the other way. Don’t stop to invoke the name of Jesus or pray. Just take cover. 
 
While you are at it, here are a few pointers you need to look out for in a Nigerian man. If he exhibits any of these traits, then you are dealing with a riffraff. 
 
1. He is too romantic: You have never met a man like him. He treats you like a glass statue and worships the ground you walk on. He is not like the unromantic Kenyan men who don’t text you back or return your calls. He calls you ‘baby’ all the time except when he calls you ‘my queen’. 
 
You have never been immersed in so much love and affection. You are literally intoxicated in his love. He will even paint your toenails and shampoo your hair. Red flag. 
 
He is fattening you up for slaughter. He is warming your heart. Softening you up by leading you to believe that you have found the one. It is not humanly possible for a man to be 100 per cent romantic, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That romantic Nigerian man is up to something. 
 
2. He throws money at you: No man in his right mind will throw money at a woman. Kwani wewe ni nani? But this Nigerian is the most generous man you have ever met in your life. He even gives you money before you ask for it because ‘you are special and you deserve it’. 
 
He debunks every myth you have ever heard about Nigerian men swindling women off their money. You relax and put your guard down. You think that the Lord has finally smiled upon you and given you a wonderful man who is not only loving, but also rich. All those prayers you prayed for a husband have finally been answered. Shock on you. 
 
He is making an investment and he knows what he is doing. He will shower you with gifts and money amounting to Sh1 million, knowing very well that he will con you Sh3 million and make a profit Sh2 million. Tax free. 
 
One day, when you least expect, he will strike. He will be in dire need of some Sh2 million for a deal and because he has created an illusion of wealth, you will readily give in. You will run to the sacco and borrow some Sh2 million. That will be the beginning of your downfall. 
 
3. He moves in with you: So he gives you a cock and bull story about how he is putting up with a friend in Kileleshwa but has been unsuccessfully looking for a house. You pity him and allow him to put up with you in your house for a short while before he finds a bigger house for the two of you. 
 
Every week, he has a new excuse. “Oh, I found one but it is too big.” “Oh, I found another one in Lavington but I don’t like it.” 
 
A week turns into a month and before you know it, you are co-habiting with a Nigerian man who can barely speak English. But because he treats you so nice (and sometimes even washes the dishes), you are blind to his antics. Be very worried. 
 
4. He drives your car: My friends told me this, and I couldn’t believe it. How does a woman give her man her car to go drinking out with the ‘boys’ as she takes a matatu to work? 
 
Only a woman with a Nigerian boyfriend can do that. So he uses cabs all the time and you think it is just unfair for him to spend so much money on cabs, yet you have a car. You lend him yours and before you know it, he is dropping you to work in your car, goes out drinking with his friends in your car and suddenly that car is no longer yours. Be warned. 
 
A real man does not drive woman’s car and a smart woman does not allow a man to use her car to run his errands. If he doesn’t have a car, let him use a cab or buy one. 
 
5. He has mysterious ‘trips’: He purports to be a businessman but you are not exactly sure what he does for a living. He travels often to Dubai, China, Thailand and Singapore for ‘business trips’. 
 
You don’t care what he does for a living mainly because of all the goodies he brings you. Lingerie. Expensive shoes. Perfumes. Dresses. Bags. 
 
He says he does business but has never really taken you to his office, nor have you met any of his business partners. Be especially wary of those Nigerians who purport to sell gold or cars. 
 
He hasn’t given you a business card, but you are still okay with it because he seems flashy and talks big. Silly girl. 
 
One day you are going about your business and the next day you are a suspect for a car-theft syndicate and police will insist that you are harbouring a criminal on Interpol’s watch list. And you thought he loved you for your great personality! 
 
6. You run errands for him: He takes you on a ‘holiday’ to China and throws money at your feet. He allows you to buy whatever you like because ‘you are special and you deserve it’. 
 
On your way back, he tells you to carry a package for him to deliver to his friend because he has no space in his bag. You readily agree. I mean, after all the bags he has bought you, you must have some space. Foolish girl. 
 
That man is using you as a conduit for drugs and you only realise it when you are frantically calling your aging relatives from the airport cells. The Nigerian man is long gone. 
You have been warned. Stay away from Nigerian men. 
 
 
NJOKI CHEGE

See What NJOKI CHEGE said About Nigerian Men, They May Skin Her Alive After Reading This

What is it with Kenyan women and Nigerian men? What is it with those short, stocky bearded West African mohines that make Kenyan women mov...

Njoki Chege Mercilessly Strips Laura Akunga

Almost everyone on social media has been on Laura Akunga’s case since she made her marital affair a matter of public interest. Two weeks after buying husband a 10 million car, Njoki Chege has come out to have her two cents on the weighty matter. 
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The popular famous blogger known for her hard hitting opinions decide to give Laura Akunga a public undressing through her newspaper column. Here’s what she had to say. 
 
‘I am told there is a woman who gifted her husband of one-year a Toyota Land Cruiser VX worth about Sh10 million for his 30th birthday gift. Lucky guy! 
 
The young woman – I am reliably informed she is a business lady only months shy of her 30th birthday – wanted to surprise her ‘better half’. Well, she not only surprised the lucky guy, she surprised me too. 
 
The dearly beloved lady, I am also told, posted the entire surprise affair on – you guessed it – her Facebook account. She gave her Facebook friends a blow by blow account of how the surprise went down, even attaching a video of the entire event. 
 
Now, publicising your personal affairs on social media is shady and sleazy, but your marriage issues and ‘birthday surprises’? That is a new low. 
 
Publicising such intimate details of your personal and married life screams “NOT USED TO THIS” and “LOW-LIFE”. 
 
I know it is an expensive gift and you probably want to show off to the rest of us (very poor people who cannot raise even a million) what a great wife you are, and how generous you are. 
 
The lady, with all due respect, is probably a very hardworking woman who has earned her money in a legit way. But you know, it is true what they say. Money can never buy you class. 
 
There is absolutely no class in posting photos of such a cherished affair that is meant to be enjoyed by a newly-wed couple still enjoying the honeymoon phase of their marriage. 
 
People with class that match their financial muscle don’t advertise what they own. In any case, the most affluent people in this world are the most modest about their largesse. 
 
HALLMARK OF AFFLUENCE 
 
If you talk to people with considerable wealth, they will tell you that public display of money – or rumours of money – is just a lower-middle class pattern. 
 
Facebook and Instagram are calling cards of the struggling, lower middle class, while modesty is the hallmark of the affluent. Research shows, not my words. 
 
I may have been accused of not knowing much, but I think I know a little wisdom about social media and marriage that this lovely young lady obviously lacks. So sit down darling, and let me school you just for a little while. 
 
You see, if you want your relationship – or marriage – in this case to stay intact, keep social media away from your relationship. 
 
You are married. Congratulations. You bought mzee a nice car for his birthday, that’s fantastic. Somebody give you a cookie for that. 
 
But to advertise on social media just makes you vulnerable. It opens you and your marriage up to a barrage of problems like never before. I know this is a bitter pill of truth to swallow, but hang on sweetie, I am almost done. 
 
When you advertise every aspect of your marriage, like most women your age do, you set for yourself some imaginary and unachievable standards. 
 
You create an illusion of a perfect life; perfect marriage and that will be your life sentence, thanks to the court of public opinion. 
 
No matter how difficult things get in the future, you will be expected to put up that façade of ‘perfect life’ that you have fed your social media minions. 
 
UNIMAGINABLE STANDARDS 
 
Those ‘inferiors’ you want to impress on social media will be impressed. They will hang on to every post you upload on Facebook. 
 
They will place you on a pedestal and upon your shoulders will be the herculean task of keeping up with those unmanageable standards that you have set for yourself. 
 
For example, should your friends see your wonderful husband giving a pretty young thing (PYT) a lift from work, news will reach you that you bought your man a car to help him ferry other women in it. 
 
It could be an innocent lift, but because of your social media theatrics, perspectives change. Hearts get broken. And people become public laughing stocks. 
 
But of course there is always the brighter side which you chose to focus on, so much that it blinded the rationale behind the whole Facebook razzmatazz. Maybe I am just a cynical columnist, don’t mind me. 
 
What I would like to tell you, my dear, is that 20 years from now, when you are old and grey, you will look back and see what a silly thing that was. 
 
When your daughter tries to do something similar, you will tell her what you ought to have known today and what I will tell you now; you are not the first woman to gift her ‘hubby’ a car, neither will you be the last. 
 
So, dear girl, relax. Take a breather. Enjoy your marriage, gift each other everything under the sun, but not on social media or on the blogs. It only hurts you and your marriage. 
 
Leave social media bragging to socialites. You are not a socialite. You are a wife. 
Meanwhile, Happy belated birthday to the lucky guy!’

Njoki Chege Mercilessly Strips Laura Akunga

Almost everyone on social media has been on Laura Akunga’s case since she made her marital affair a matter of public interest. Two weeks aft...

Mwamburi: For serious orgasm, Njoki Chege should date a football fanatic, kwani?

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By Mwamburi 
 
In her “Date a man married to football? Not Me!” which is done in relatively good prose but frail argument, Njoki Chege complains about a host of things around the game of football and relationships. 
 
She advises ladies thus: “If your man, my dear girls, screams and claps when the likes of Sanchez step into the field, then that man is a closeted homosexual. How else can you explain a man shrieking in glee at the sight of another man? So, stop being disagreeable because your favourite player — who is also your secret crush — has failed the entire team.” 
 
I mean, the Njoki who is always running into people’s relationships and nerves because she has never understood the offside rule in football? She does not know football is probably more creative than drama which her coach offers as an alternative by her coach in secondary school. 
 
You have heard, for you definitely cannot know, those who have spared their virginity to the outermost rim of life only to surrender it to the ‘wrong’ persons. 
 
Those of us who have lost our virginity most recently are like the team which concedes a late goal. It is the most painful. 
 
We are the types who go around blaming everyone of the opposite gender thinking that: “all (wo)men are the same”. The late goal awakens us to the mistakes that are mostly made at later and ripe stages of life. As such, we should forever be keen because the final tide may become the figurative straw that broke the camel’s back. 
 
On the other side are those knocked-out the Tyson style. Those who pave way very early in life because they believe it is needless to waste energy shielding what you will eventually give. Hush! These is not about virginity or lack of it thereof, it is about life and death. Na hata kama ni about virginity and sex kwani “tudu nikii?” 
 
The Late Bruno Metsu would always tell Senegalese football players in their world cup matches that “every match is a match of your life”. Football, like any other sport is the sure mimicry of life…it presents lessons which are applied daily in life. 
 
Njoki, football is not a silly game where 22 men kick and run after an inflated piece of pigskin. Every panting, sweating and scoring is the jaw-dropping battle of life outside here. It is an intellectual battle which is a precipitated statement of patriotic, economic and ideological conquering of the strategic and privileged. 
 
It is a spherical body in the shape of the world, on a flat play ground representing the equal chances that life gives us until we mess up. 
 
However, there will be issues beyond our ability and comprehension. They are the referee who plays God and makes the ultimate decisions of and over our lives. Once he decides it is a penalty there is nothing we can do. 
 
The 90-minute time limit teaches us of our frontiers in life and the time within which we have to conclude our business on this side of the universe. Then, there are spectators who ‘know’ more than the players and the coach. 
 
These are people who are experts of everything including nothing. They are ‘experts’ who advise you about everything in your life. They are outsiders who “mourn louder than the owners of the corpse.” Achebe. 
 
In life, the very ambitious always find their behind eaten. This makes more sense to those who have played against teams like Barcelona which penetrates anything that is agape. It is for the simple reason in football that you cannot attack and defend at the same time. If you go for goals, you leave your defence prone to counter-attacks. The very serious in life do not follow the madness that football is thus eventually lack the tactics of this game of life. For this reason, lovers have had to come home to cheating spouses because they were busy attacking opportunities. 
 
Whenever Jose Mourinho plays against Barca, he plays defensive, his players run least and they spare their energy for a strategic pounce on the formidable enemy. We must always know when to attack in life for the rules in the football pitch teach us all. 
 
To Chelsea, it is not the flowery, decorated and classy presentation that matters but strategy to get the trophy. There comes a time when clinching the trophy is all that matters. You know what a man who wants a lady does. It happened to Njoki when her boyfriend who” was all about football… and clapping very hard and screaming like a woman in labour when Manchester United scored a goal…” came seducing you. 
 
It may be the reason some go for those spouses who may not be as beautiful/handsome but are result oriented when it comes to marriage. We do not need models to take to coffee dates and orgasmic orgies at lap-dancing clubs when it comes to marriage. Such women have been stress to men who have fought to snatch their babes from more blessed revellers 
 
However, there are those who can manage beautiful and productive football like Team Barcelona. Arsenal has tried to imitate them but they never get the results because life cannot be an exact duplicate. In addition, these games present solemn social spheres of life. 
 
Whenever Barca plays Real Madrid, the secessionist narrative of groups like Al-Shabaab, Boko Haram and ISIS are brought to the fore. Barcelona comes from Catalonia which is pushing for self-determination from the main Spain. Every match with teams outside Catalonia is broader than just football. 
 
The political aspirations, fears and hopes of its people are embodied in every strain or turn that the magical Messi makes for them. 
 
The other thing that we see in football especially by the whites is an assertion of their superiority to the black race. Unlike our Kenyan teams where players carelessly hit against each other as they injure and aimlessly run in the pitch, Europesan football is a show of class, wit and strategy. Watch them play and see the ball running constantly as the players move calculatively move around with ease. Let the ball roll, labour less and play best. What of the 400 million US dollar ‘fight of the century’? What lessons are in and outside the ring? It is not just how the whites can hype what is theirs to suck all the money in the world but also the politics of “you cannot win a major war on American soil” from outside. 
 
Did you know that Manny Pacquiao represented the poor masses of the rest of the world who feel oppressed, robbed and abused by Mayweather of the rich system? 
 
Ever known what Muhammad Ali’s philosophy of “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee” has done to all facets of human life? I have just stung you like a bee only to marvel at the beautiful floating butterfly should you be lucky to see me. 
 
If you do not change tactic, football will forever get a men’s hundred per cents in everything. If you study football and be counseled of it, you will conquer him and stop whining on magazeti ya kufungia nyama. 
 
By the way, how do patrons of the pen like Philip Ochieng’, David Ndii, Roy Gachuhi et al write on the same day and paper with Njoki Chege? Doesn’t she suffocate from their resultant linguistic and logical aroma? Is she capable of abstract thought needed to sustain a column? It may be the all the City Girl does is to hallucinate on paper. 
 
Life is a game, you can take these lessons to bed and see the results. 
 
Mwamburi Mwang’ombe is a literature major.

Mwamburi: For serious orgasm, Njoki Chege should date a football fanatic, kwani?

By Mwamburi In her “Date a man married to football? Not Me!” which is done in relatively good prose but frail argument, Njoki Chege comp...

HOW Njoki Chege is ‘DESTROYING’ Journalist Oliver Mathenge’s marriage, terrible!

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Here is the article that has caused newly married Star Journalist Oliver Mathenge to regret marriage on social media. 
 
By City Girl 
 
Four, no, five people have asked me to write about this. Normally, I write and do what I like but I have humbled myself for once to take an idea from colleagues. Somehow, they think I can do their dirty job. 
 
There is this young man who has really annoyed many colleagues because of his nauseating social media theatrics. 
 
I am sorry to be writing about social media again, dear readers. But hear me one more time please, as it is serious. 
 
Allow me a chance to indulge you a little regarding this colleague of ours whom we have decided that an intervention — and a public one for that matter — is the only way to help a brother. 
 
CHEEP BEER 
 
This fellow, who is fairly good-looking but a tad bit too short for my preference, has formed a very bad habit of displaying every single aspect of his young life on social media. 
 
His social media accounts are a shameless public display of idiocy. I don’t follow him that much on social media for only one reason; cerebral hygiene. 
 
I am writing this based on information given to me by my credible newsroom sources. 
 
So he goes out for a date with a girlfriend. He takes a photo and posts it on Twitter or Instagram. 
 
Does he buy a six pack of his favourite cheap beer? Picha pap! Twitterati must know about it. 
 
Does he propose to the girl? Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the entire republic of social media should surely be made aware. 
 
BOILING AN EGG 
 
What about when he gathers a few friends to accompany him for a ruracio and ngurario? He will give his followers a blow-by-blow account of the functions and if you didn’t make it, you almost feel like you were there. 
 
I understand he got married recently. His followers haven’t heard the last of it yet. I don’t know how true this is, but colleagues who follow him on social media whispered to me that he had this “countdown to his wedding” as if it was the second coming of Christ. 
 
One might be tempted to believe he was the first journalist to tie the knot. 
 
Readers, I am sorry to bore you with the immature and annoying behaviour of a sleazy young man who thinks his marriage is everyone’s business. 
 
But I am too excited to stop here. I have only just begun! I have got to tell you a few more absurd things that he has been doing on social media recently- just in case you were wondering if anyone can be more foolish than our MCAs, Members of Parliament and senators. 
 
So this man — fresh from his honeymoon — has been, for the last few weeks, flaunting his “beautiful” wife on Twitter. 
 
Those who follow him on Instagram have reliably informed me that approximately 67 per cent of his posts and photos are about “my beautiful wife this, my beautiful wife that”, complete with a battalion of hashtags like #MarriageLife #ILoveMyWife. 
 
I think the charming couple recently bought a Toyota — which according to my sources — is a massive achievement for a man of his modest means. 
 
In a bid to introduce the ‘beast’, the dear lovely couple will post photos of themselves in the car and captions like “Stuck in traffic” or “Headed to work”. 
 
How else would his followers know how well he and his wife are doing? 
 
The man is a perennial ‘check-inner’. He is always checking-in at low-class pubs and restaurants — of course with the ‘beautiful’ wife in tow. 
 
It doesn’t end there. Followers are treated to an assortment of photos of his food and drink from all possible angles, with captions like “Dinner Date With Wifey”. It is really inspirational for many of his followers who cannot afford weekend brunch with their spouses at low class restaurants. 
 
And he is a self-promoter par excellence. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the only freshly married young man who cooks breakfast for his wife. 
 
To show the rest of us — clueless, unmarried people who cannot boil an egg how it is done — you can follow his social media account for a step-by-step procedure of a groundbreaking event where a man cooks breakfast for his “beautiful” wife. 
 
Ensure you look out for a legion of hashtags like #CookingForBae and #MwanaumeNiKupikiaBibiBreakfast. 
 
LOT OF FUN 
 
But just not to throw this column to the gutter and degrade it by writing about one mannerless man on social media, I must say this trend of flaunting relationships on social media is really catching on. 
 
For God’s sake, keep your relationships out of Facebook, Instagram or any other social medium. 
 
Keep your ruracios and ngurarios to yourself. I am sure your relationship is great, your partner is a godsend and you are having a lot of fun with your significant other. 
 
I am also sure your traditional wedding was more colourful and extravagant than any other we have ever seen. 
 
I am certain your wife is the prettiest of them all and your husband is the most romantic ‘bae’ ever. You are definitely happy. 
 
But social media is not the place to flaunt your relationship. Have some sense of dignity for heavens sake! 
 
FEEDBACK 
 
I refer to your last article “Date a man married to football? Not me!” In as much as you have penned reasonable pieces in the past, I wonder why you have this extreme anathema to the men’s choice for football. This then makes me pose a question: What then do you date? Geoffrey Birundu 
 
Just regaled myself with your weekly article and, as usual, have been thoroughly entertained. But you do know much about football — the season is ending not beginning! Stan Ramogo” 
 
I totally disagree with the idea of dumping a man because he is a football fan. I felt bad because I’m Man United fan and my girl doesn’t feel good when I’m out watching football. I find it weird but you should know zeal is what drives us. About jumping and clapping when a player is introduced in the field has nothing to do with homosexuality. We watch a game as a team. When a tough player is introduced, we clap because we are sure he has increased our chances of winning. Victor Kipkurui Langat 
 
@njorogekibe @njokichege. Irony in the article on why she would never date a football fan yet she’s secretly a fan. Girl, your knowledge of the clubs gives you away. 
 
@JonDwyane @njokichege. if a guy is not a football fanatic, then what is he? 
 
@Erik_Njiru @njokichege. Football is what keeps some of these people in Nairobi courtesy of Sportpesa. When you realise how much we make, you’ll shut up.

HOW Njoki Chege is ‘DESTROYING’ Journalist Oliver Mathenge’s marriage, terrible!

Here is the article that has caused newly married Star Journalist Oliver Mathenge to regret marriage on social media. By City Girl Fou...

NJOKI CHEGE reveals what Women want, Can you meet these Crazy Demands?

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Having read tens of articles on what women want in a desperate bid to ‘research’ – as many of you think that I don’t research for my column- I gave up shortly after I realised none of those ‘useless’ online articles was really telling it as it is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I thought, Why not write from my heart? It has been rumoured that I am slipping into womanhood at an alarming rate, so I think I have the ‘moral authority’ to say what women want. Here goes:<o:p></o:p></div>
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1. We want money: Lots of it. Many women are afraid of articulating this fact loud and clear for fear of being branded a ‘gold-digger’. Not me. Women love money. Women adore money. Women are turned on by money.  And a lot of women would do just about anything to land a man of means.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We may seem all dedicated, loving and caring, professing our love for your great character and leadership skills, but be fooled not brother, it is your money that is working for you.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you don’t believe, just tell me how many pairs of designer heels a great character will buy and how much of your outgoing personality we will need to pay for a holiday in Dubai.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There are those blatant women who would never be seen with a poor man; I lead that pack. But a good number of women will pretend to love you for your personality while secretly analyse your pocket. I personally have no time to pretend to love a guy who doesn’t have money. It is either you have it or don’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We love a man who can spoil us and make our lives comfortable. After all, a real woman can do it on her own, but a real man would never let her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A man may have a face that only a mother would love, but money makes him handsome overnight and you will be surprised at the babe he will have by his side. So there you have it, men. We love money. We want you to make a lot of money because no woman ever wants to be seen with a loser. Period.<o:p></o:p></div>
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2. We want you to stop showing us that you have options: We know you text other women. We know you meet other women for coffee and lunch when you are at work.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We also know that you are not as hardworking as you claim to be, so all those ‘honey-I-am-working-late stories’ are cock-and-bull. After all, if you were as hardworking as you want us to believe, you’d be more moneyed than you already are.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But even if you do all those cheeky things that men do all the time, we just want you to show us a little respect.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I mean, don’t show us that you have options and for God’s sake, learn to tell a lie and stop making a fool of yourself with lame stories about going to Naivasha with your boys. That lie is so 2010, you need a system upgrade.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, and while you are at it, don’t tell me my friend Shiro is pretty. I know, I have eyes. I can see. Unless you want me to remind you that your buddy Kim looks good.<o:p></o:p></div>
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3. We want you to spend more time with us: All women are possessive. All women are protective. All women are paranoid. Deal with it. Maybe because we’ve heard the saying that ‘the only woman who truly knows where her husband is, is a widow’.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes. We want you to spend weekends with us, not with your ‘boys’. Okay, not all the time, but we just want to see you there.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Doing whatever. As long as you are not out there holed up in a servant’s quarter doing God knows what. We want more date nights; more holidays; more quality time. Is that too much to ask?<o:p></o:p></div>
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4 We want you to learn basic phone etiquette: If I call you at a ‘bad time’, may be you are in a meeting with your clients? Text me and call me back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When we call you and you don’t pick your phone, we sit back, relax and think that “maybe he is in a meeting, he will call me back”. We even don’t mind if you call us six hours later. We know that is the most offensive thing a man can ever do to a woman.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When we call, text and you are unable to speak, follow these instructions carefully. Call. Me. The. Hell. Back. Call me back. Call me Back. Call me back. I said that enough times for you to get it through your head. Call me back, okay? Good. Call me back!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">·         <span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">A policeman on night-shift</div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">·         <span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">A thug; meaning you are ‘at work’</div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">·         <span lang="EN-US" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-indent: -18pt; vertical-align: baseline;">With me after a night out of dancing and partying.</div>
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We allow once in a while when you go out with your boys for drinks and come home late, but don’t push it, man.  Don’t provoke us. Don’t do it thrice a week. It is just insulting. We hate it when you wake us up at 1am to open the door for you. No, we won’t allow you to have the house key; we want to keep tabs what time you staggered in.<o:p></o:p></div>
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6. We want to be soothed: To hell with that grown-woman nonsense. All women, whether 40 or 25 are all little girls at heart. And they still enjoy the little things that excite little girls. We want to be pampered. We want to be soothed when we are sulky.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We want to be treated like gems. We want to be treated like precious little girls, even though some of us look like 13 precious little girls bundled in a sack.<o:p></o:p></div>
 
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By Njoki Chege</div>

NJOKI CHEGE reveals what Women want, Can you meet these Crazy Demands?

Having read tens of articles on what women want in a desperate bid to ‘research’ – as many of you think that I don’t research for my colu...

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